I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
