I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
