I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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