I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
