Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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