I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
