he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
