I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
