cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
