Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
