yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
