I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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