Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
