also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
