mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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