tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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