I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
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It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
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We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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