Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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