i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
