Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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