y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.