i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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