I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
