I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
