My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
