Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she looked like the before picture.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
