phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
