Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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