His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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