wanna go halves on a baby?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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