I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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