Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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