Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i've created a new STD.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
