you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
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Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
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You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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