why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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