I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
