I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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