apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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