I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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