so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
