Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
