The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
