I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
