vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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