Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
