the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
