I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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