At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
