i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
