There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
try to milk me bitch
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