I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
