my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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