Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
