I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
